Sunny and I are blessed to have found our kinky counterparts in one another, and our friends often ask how they can find a partner of their own to grow and explore with. Finding a kinky partner can be a fulfilling way to explore your sexual desires while getting closer to someone you care about. But there is so much more to it than swiping right on Tinder and asking to be pegged.
Finding someone who shares your kinks takes conscious self-reflection and a little sleuthing. It’s much more about knowing yourself than knowing where to look. You need to think about your own needs, sexually and emotionally, and clearly define what you’re looking for in a potential new relationship and partner. You must also be secure about your own needs and desires prior to potentially exploring such a vulnerable space with someone else.
There are plenty of kink communities to explore and dive into if you’re looking for casual fun (we’ll share our favorites a bit later) and it is absolutely possible to find a lifelong kinky partner by going directly to your local or online kink communities. However, we have found that finding a kinky partner is something that is grown and developed together by creating a safe space where you both are free to explore and flourish. This is what Sunny and I have. We didn’t find each other in the kink community. Neither of us would have considered ourselves “kinky” before we met. We were both open to exploring and we built a rock solid foundation of safe communication, trust, curiosity, and non-judgment that has allowed us to get where we are today with love, kink, and our sexuality.
Below we’ve compiled some tips for finding a kinky partner whether it is someone already in the kink community or someone that you grow with.
Before You Begin Hunting for a Kinky Partner…
Start by examining your own desires and fantasies on a deeper level. Don’t worry; it doesn’t require Yoda-like self-awareness to take stock of your kinky needs, but it does take a moment of vulnerability and self discovery.
Just take a moment to ask yourself a few questions, like:
Why do I want a kinky partner?
What work am I willing to put in to build this relationship?
What kinks do I want to explore?
Am I interested in trying kinks, or are they essential to my pleasure?
Am I educated on these kinks enough to share or would we be learning together?
Can I create a safe space for my partner to explore their own curiosities?
Can I be patient with someone when exploring or do I want this now?
Am I open to exploring new things, even if I’m not sure if I’ll like them yet?
Understanding your kinks means you have thought about and even already explored specific acts, such as pegging, anal, or role-playing. You don’t necessarily need to have thought about every kink possible and know whether you are into them or not. You can only do so much self exploring and many kinks do require trying it with someone else to really know for sure. Plus there is just simply so much out there that it’s virtually impossible to identify every single type of kink you might be interested in. One of the best parts of kink is discovering all the different ways to play. There are still many kinks that Sunny and I haven’t explored simply because we don’t even know they exist. What’s important is that you can clearly communicate your interests, desires, and boundaries to a potential partner.
For example, a friend of mine was chatting with a guy recently who claimed he was really kinky. But when she asked what he was into, he just said things like, “I can be as rough as you want” and, “You can go crazy on me.” Not very specific.
It was clear that this guy just liked the idea of getting with a kinky person but hadn’t put much thought into what kink and exploration means to him. On top of that, it’s even more clear that this person hasn’t thought about the trust and security that needs to be built before the rough stuff can even happen. The power dynamic of this request is also not very clear and can cause a lot of confusion when it comes time to “go crazy on him.” Finding a kinky partner is a two-way street. You can’t expect a partner to simply know what your version of rough is or immediately feel safe exploring that space with you.
In kink you will learn the term negotiation, but to summarize it is what you discuss prior to any scene together. You may find yourselves spending a lot of time on this at first as you learn each other's wants, wishes, and boundaries. As you grow you may see that these negotiations can be less in depth (because you have learned your partners boundaries and preferences) or have created a foundation of negotiating during the scene. It is incredibly important to build this comfortable and in depth foundation around kink conversations to avoid potential trauma, abuse, fear, or shame and create a really safe and vulnerable space to say yes or no to exploring. This is where my friend from above would talk about what rough means to her, her safe words, her pain tolerance over all and for that scene, if she wants any marks and for how long, what toys she may want used on her, what her triggers are around rough scenes, and what she needs for aftercare. Kink is about informed enthusiastic consent and things should never be assumed.
I want to be clear: it’s absolutely ok if you have no idea what your kinks are and have very little experience. What’s important is that you let your potential partners know that you’re interested in exploring kinks and fetish play as a part of a sexual relationship. This is a conversation we highly recommend having early on when talking to any new partner. Getting this out in the beginning will make sure that you are on the same page and avoid potential misalignment later on. If you are a person who likes having experience, you can also spend some time in kink communities before trying to engage with a partner. This can help you understand what conscious kink is and get exposed to kinks that you might want to try with future partners. Remember there is no kink experience required to become a kinky person, just an open-mind, and eagerness to learn, self awareness, and the confidence to communicate your needs and build that foundation with your partner. I know it may feel really scary to bring these kinks and curiosities up early on in the “getting to know you,” stage, but sexual compatibility in kink is incredibly important for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. That does not mean you have to be into everything your partner is into, it just means that you have an open mind to exploring and creating that same safe space for your partner. I have met a lot of friends who, after years in a relationship, feel compelled to bring up the fact that they want to try pegging or group play but have never even talked to their partner about sex let alone kink and feel very insecure around how their partner may respond. I encourage you to try and find that security in yourself to be okay and free of shame even if your partner says no and work towards creating a foundation where you both feel safe enough to bring up vulnerable topics together.
Where to Find a Kinky Partner
Kinky people are everywhere. You just need to know where to look! There are definitely stereotypes of what a kinky person looks like. Leather, colored hair, piercings, tattoos or even scantily dressed but more often than not, kinky people dress like everyone else. You don’t have to seek out hidden, off the beaten path places and finding kink communities can actually be easier than you might think.
Here are the best places to find a kinky partner:
Online Communities: Online communities like SDC, Kasidie, and even Facebook groups cater to the kinky. These can be great places to connect with people who share similar kinks and desires without having to make the commitment of actually meeting up in person. There are also plenty of communities on Reddit too, such as r/BDSMcommunity. Here, you can connect with other users, learn about gatherings, get advice, explore products, and so much more.
Dating Apps for Kink Seekers: You probably know apps like Tinder and Bumble. But there are other dating apps specifically for finding kinky partners (we’ll introduce you to a few below). These apps take some of the stress out of talking about sex, as you can introduce people to your kinks by adding them to your profile.
Local Kink Groups: Depending on your location and area, there are likely kink-related groups that organize meetups or host events. Many cities have active kink groups for BDSM, swinging, and more. Most of these communities are organized via private Facebook groups. Use Google or Facebook search to look up specific keywords related to kink combined with your local area (e.g. shibari Cincinnati). I find it is always safe to go to these kink events with friends at first or find reviews from other locals who have attended before.
Kink Conventions and Festivals: Large kink events are happening live, all over the world. These festivals and events are great places to meet like-minded people and explore your kinks more deeply. All you have to do is buy a ticket and show up! Some of the most reputable events are KinkFest in Portland, OR, DomCon in Los Angeles and New Orleans, Folsom Street in San Francisco, and Florida Power Exchange in Florida.
Fetish Nights at Clubs: Many nightclubs host fetish nights to help kinky locals meetup as well. Some have them as often as once a week. Even if you’re not into BDSM, fetish nights can be a good place to gain exposure to kink, make some new friends, and learn about your local kink scene. Be sure to read the rules and dress code prior to going.
Groups and communities for finding a kinky partner
We’ve listed some of our favorite kink groups, dating apps, and communities below. Remember to read the rules of each community before reaching out to potential partners. Some communities have special rules to protect users’ safety and anonymity.
Feeld
Feeld is a dating app for open-minded people and those looking for unconventional relationships. This includes polyamory, swinging, hook-ups, and kinks. You can think of it like Tinder for kinky people. There are a lot of couples and singles looking for non-monogamous relationships here, but you can also find people who are into just about any sort of kink.
Here’s what we like about it:
Kink forward: Feeld has a section where you can list your kinks and other aspects of sexuality you’d like to explore. This makes it a lot easier to find a partner who is compatible with your kinks.
Great for group sex: If you’re into threesomes or group sex, Feeld is a good place to look for singles or couples who are searching for the same. They also have group chats for poly-friendly flirting.
Verified and safe: Feeld has a verification process to make sure everyone is who they say they are (no catfish here!).
SDC/Kasidie Swingers Lifestyle Community
SDC and Kasidie are two of the world’s biggest communities for swingers (couples in non-monogamous relationships). There is plenty for singles to explore too, especially if you’re into polyamory. It’s free to join, and you can use the features on the site to find local swinger and kink communities in your local area.
What we love:
Excellent resources for newbies: SDC/Kasidie is a very friendly place for people new to poly and kinky lifestyles. You can browse hundreds of articles, podcasts, and videos to learn the ropes before reaching out to a special kinky someone.
Kinky travel tips: Wanna take a kinky trip around the globe? SDC/Kasidie has a travel directory to help you find kink-friendly B&Bs, adult-only resorts, love hotels, and a lot more.
Dating section: You have the ability to browse singles and couples in your area. It has millions of members, so you won’t have to look long for a kinky partner.
Kinky Events: Both sites offer events in your area and around the United states to help you find community and fun things to do throughout the year.
KinkD
KinkD is a mobile app designed for kink and fetish dating. You can browse partners based on specific kinks and sexual preferences. It works a lot like Tinder—you swipe on profiles you like and hope they swipe on you too. As far as casual encounters go, this is a great place to look for non-vanilla sex. On the downside, it doesn’t have nearly as many users as Feeld, so if you’re not in a populous area, you might not have much success. Still, it’s free to use and worth a swipe. You never know—you might meet the kinky partner of your dreams!
Why we like KinkD:
It’s kind of like a party: There are lots of little games and events on the app that help you hook up, such as digital masquerade balls and random matches.
It’s safe: All KinkD users must be verified, and every part of your profile has privacy features to keep your kinks in front of the right eyes.
Users are open and honest: Similar to Feeld, users on KinkD are usually pretty open about their kinks and needs. As long as you are too, it’s a comfortable place to discuss sex and have meaningful conversations about your desires.
FetLife
Disclaimer - Fetlife was referred to us early on in our journey but I found many unsafe encounters on the site that I feel I just need to let you know the site is out there but to proceed with caution.
FetLife is known as the "Facebook of the kink community." It's a social network made for people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and alternative lifestyles. You can create a profile (complete with your kinks), join groups, and connect with people who share your kinks. FetLife is the largest online kink community with over 6 million members. However, just because it was designed for “kinky” people does not mean that everyone there practices risk-aware consensual kink(RACK) and there are a lot of users who think "kink" means "easy sex," so be careful who you connect with.
More about FetLife:
Kink diversity: If you have a kink, you’ll find a community for it on FetLife. The list of kinks covered here is incredibly diverse and ever-growing.
Prolific communities: You can join groups and participate in discussions, events, and forums.
Private: FetLife is serious about your privacy and your data security. It’s safe to explore and discuss your kinks here. Just be mindful of who you add as friends and what info you display on your profile.
Finding a Friend You Can Explore With
As you can see above, there are plenty of ways to find a partner who already actively practices kink and has some experience to bring to a relationship. The one thing that can be a problem with this approach is it can miss the importance of finding a true partner and friend and place too much value on just finding the perfect sexually compatible partner. I know it can feel exciting to rush in, but best friends that turn into lovers can make the best relationships. Finding a partner that helps build a safe and loving environment where sexual freedom and exploration is embraced and encouraged, is truly fulfilling, both sexually and emotionally.
Where to Look
Pretty much anywhere! You can find potential true partners by using the resources we suggested earlier in this article. But don’t limit yourselves to those. The resources we discussed will definitely help you find someone who shares your kinks, but don’t limit yourself. You are looking for a true partner and friend first.
We absolutely recommend using traditional dating apps, like Bumble, Hinge, OK Cupid, etc. Sunny and I have both used these in our past searches for potential partners. These definitely have a goal in mind and can still put a lot of pressure on finding “the one.” When it comes to finding a friend first, more traditional routes such as hobby groups or local activity clubs might be better. Common interests (outside of sex) are a great low-pressure way to hit it off with someone and allow time for a strong emotional foundation to develop. Sunny and I met through mutual friends, we became best friends, and later on found that we had an incredible connection together. Our foundation still is based around being best friends with each other.
Discuss Sexual Compatibility Early On
This is where a lot of people mess up. They wait…and wait…and wait to discuss their fantasies and desire to explore until they’re already deep in a relationship. This can lead to sexual frustration and potentially heartbreak. To understand if you and your partner are sexually compatible, you need to have that talk early. Imagine you waiting for five years to tell your partner that you want to be pegged because you were too scared to bring it up early on to find out that is a hard limit for her.
I’m not saying you should pull out the anal beads on the first date. But you should have an open talk about your sexual interests within your first few sleepovers. When you are asking each other’s favorite foods and colors, also ask about things like turn ons, triggers, porn preferences etc. Talk about toys you have or have wanted to explore, and discuss curiosities you may feel safe enough to explore with them.
When I talk about compatibility, this doesn’t just mean having overlapping kinks or even knowing every single kink you might want to try in the future. That’s impossible. It’s about sharing a willingness to explore each other's desires and fantasies with an open mind. You might be into feet and they might be into leather. As long as you’re both willing to give and grow, it’s a good match.You should always feel safe and secure enough to discuss vulnerable topics with your partner, and if you do not that would be a really good moment to reflect on the foundation you guys have and try to create a safe container for each other.
Grow Into Being Kinky Together
I will promise you this right now: your freakiest kinks and most body-rocking orgasms are all in your future. You haven’t even dreamed of the things you’ll do in bed. Sunny and I know, because we’ve developed our most satisfying kinks as a couple. We also have learned and explored a lot of these kinks on camera for the first time to show this journey in real time as well!
One of the amazing things about kink is that you get to make it your own and exploring this space is so incredible when you can do it without fear with someone who makes you feel safe, loved, and heard.
Your sexuality is not static, so rather than searching for someone who’s super kinky, consider looking for someone you can grow with sexually. This mindset shifts the focus from matching kinks to creating a partnership where you both feel encouraged to explore and express your desires.
It’s about building a relationship where exploration is part of your growth together, not a prerequisite for connection.
Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability
One of the least talked about emotions associated with intimacy is vulnerability. I’m not just talking about being naked. When you express your sexuality truly and openly, it can be really scary. These are the moments that can define your sex life and help it grow. But, you need to build a foundation of openness and respect to allow for vulnerability.
This means practicing active listening, showing empathy, and never judging your partner's desires or fears. It's in these moments of vulnerability that true intimacy is built, and a safe space for kink exploration is established.Vulnerability is so sexy!
Prioritize Consent and Communication
Behind every kinky act is hours and hours of conversation. Kinks don’t start in bed. They start over coffee, flirty texts, and serious conversations about boundaries, safe words, triggers, and emotional support.
It might not sound super sexy, but when you find a true partner, it really really is. When I talk to Sunny about my needs, he gives me his full attention. I have his complete presence and he actively listens, showing me just how important my needs are to him. It makes me melt knowing that I am held and safe in this exploration with him.
But more importantly, it builds our foundation of trust. This allows me to push my boundaries and explore my desires, knowing I’m supported and loved. I know he will never shame me, pressure me, or guilt me into doing anything.
Even after we’ve discussed trying something new, we always ask for consent before engaging in kink play. Yes, even though we’re married and we know each other’s kinks and bodies from top to bottom, we still ask for consent! Consent is always evolving and you always have the power to say yes or no to your partner at any time, yes this includes during sex itself!
Unless your partner has given you prior consent, such as in a free-use kink, asking for consent is a must before engaging in any kink act, both before and during sex. Free-use and CNC are two edge play kinks that have been discussed in GREAT detail prior to ever engaging and you know exactly what aftercare is needed and debriefing in these moments as well. These are very intense kinks that can border abuse if done poorly and communication and care is incredibly important for safe play.
It’s as simple as saying before sex, “Hey, what do you think about using the butt plug tonight?” And then during sex: “Are you ready to use the plug?”
Remember: This tip isn’t just for exploring kinks with a true partner. It applies to all sexual encounters!
Find Your Partner in Kink
People ask me all the time, “How do I find a kinky partner like you?”
When I get that question, what I really hear is, “How do I find a curious partner who is willing to explore and grow with me?”
Sunny and I were incredibly lucky to find each other, but our relationship took work and courage to build. We aren’t together because we’re kinky. We’re together because we built our relationship on a foundation of openness, trust, and love. We were both in not only abusive but vanilla relationships prior to this and with that experience we were able to really prioritize safety and love for each other. This is still a very new journey for us.
It’s because of that foundation that we’re able to talk about kinks, expand our sexual boundaries, laugh when we make a mess, and celebrate when we crush it. I cannot tell you how many times we have high-fived after a scene. There have also been times that I have passed out, cried, or simply felt really overwhelmed. It is important to know that kink can bring up a lot of things for us and we may not know it till it happens, but to hold space, ask for what you need, and support each other in those moments together.
To find a kinky partner, start building your foundation from the first day you meet someone—not by talking about sex, but by practicing curiosity, non-judgment, and compassion. If they show you the same respect, you’ll find it easy to talk about your kinks and grow into a satisfying sex life together.
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