I want to write this because we get asked a lot how to bring up kinks to your partner, how to try new things with your partner, and how to get your partner to explore more. While I don't have the perfect answer for you because I don't know your relationship like you do, and I don't know how your partner would react to certain things, I am here to try and give you as much advice as I can, be your cheerleader, and help to guide you as a friend in any way we can.
Sunny and I's foundation is based on friendship- now that might sound silly, but that is the secret recipe here. Sunny is my best friend, and I am his. We built this friendship before we started dating, which was super new to me, and with that friendship came the trust, love, safety, security, silliness, curiosity, and most importantly our communication.
Because of this friendship and love when either of us have something on our mind- we talk about it, immediately. Nothing festers in our relationship, nothing comes to a head, I am never sitting on an insecurity, I don't worry that he is going to judge me or be disgusted by me. When I am worried if I am annoying or he doesn't love me anymore (silly anxious attachment) I just ask him and he validates me, he doesn't get annoyed by my need for validation. He knows I need to ask and he knows what I need to hear. When he wants to try something new sexually- he asks, we talk about it, we both talk about what we may be nervous about and then we communicate through it. Constantly checking in with each other, and always giving space to say no, this is not for me. As partners- we truly believe and practice Compersion.
Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
Sunny is my partner in life- and with that life I want him to be able to experience anything and everything he wants that would make him happy, after all we only get one and I don't ever want to hold him back, I just want to be along for the ride- and vise versa. This is how we have opened up to bringing others in to play with us, explored new toys,
Because of this friendship we talked about our kinks, desires, curiosities, and fantasies almost immediately when we started dating. We sent each other porn we were into, we talked about the group sex we wanted to explore, we brought up pegging and I told him I had never done it but always wanted to explore it and we moved slowly together to try something new. Sex was important to both of us so we discussed our sexual compatibility right away. This is something needed but not taught for a successful exploration and I know I had no positive role models growing up to show me this- I had to find this out, like many of you, in the hardest ways.
Relationships are not always easy, but they do not have to be as tough as we sometimes make them. If you do not feel that you can talk to your partner about your desires, secrets, fantasies and curiosities without fear of shame and rejection, that is not true safety in a relationship. The foundation of exploration is physical, emotional, and mental safety. This requires someone who is willing to listen to you, to try things that you want to try, to explore the scary and unknown because you are doing it hand in hand.
I am not a sex therapist or couples counselor and don't ever want to try and come off as that, I am just someone who is an advocate for you, your kinks, your safety, your exploration, and your friend that will always listen to you and try to help guide you in the right direction- but ultimately you know what works for you and your partner.
For those who have been in long term relationships and are now trying to bring up kinks and fantasies with your partner, maybe things you have never even hinted at but you now know you want to be able to explore- I really encourage you to build a friendship with your partner, one where you feel comfortable talking to your partner about all the things- scary, exciting, embarrassing. I want you to take that first step toward the sexual relationship you want to have, and talk about these kinks as an interest and something you want to work towards, not just going to your partner out of the blue and telling them you want to be pegged or have a threesome, you have to work into this from scratch and build that foundation slowly. You need to be patient and understanding with your partner as you try to navigate this territory because they may feel a bit insecure and unstable themselves with new topics, after years of not knowing this about you, and you need to remind them that no matter what you are doing this together and that boundaries will always be respected. You need to know the best time to bring up these intimate conversations and ensure you are both in the best place and have the most loving energy to discuss these things- like after sex, cuddling with pillow talk, or wherever you feel closest. You also need to be prepared for the possibility of your partner not wanting to explore this, for whatever reason, they may not be comfortable with this and that is something you need to ask yourself- then what? What happens if they do not want to go down this sexual road with you- there is no right or wrong answer, only what is best for you. I also encourage you, if you feel safe enough with your partner, to also ask why not? Not in a judgemental way at all, not in a "I want to pursue you way," but in a I want to understand everything about you- including your triggers, what makes you say no, and how I can help to make you feel as secure as possible.
We are your kinky cheerleaders, your sexy sounding board, your non-judgmental friend. I also just want you to know if you want this, you have to be willing to put in the work! I promise it is worth it! You deserve pleasure.
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