If you’re in a “vanilla” – conventional – sexual relationship, introducing new flavors can feel like a rocky road. Suggesting anal play, in particular, may seem risky. Will the topic repel your partner, or turn them off to you? This is unlikely to happen if you plan ahead. If you have not yet established a safe curious dialogue around sex and sexual desires with your partner that is where we reccomend starting, how to talk to your partner about sex.
Like anal sex itself, there are right and wrong ways to engage. For most people, a slow approach works best, including
Thinking before you speak,
Choosing (or creating) the right time and place,
Keeping a positive attitude,
And, perhaps most important,
Listening to your partner, and giving them the space they need to process.
And remember to smile! Sex is supposed to be fun, right? The energy you bring to the conversation will set the tone: if you’re uptight, your partner is more likely to be, as well.
Step one: Plan your approach.
Recklessly plunging into such a sensitive area can send shock waves through your partner: the opposite of what you want. As we’ve mentioned, you’ll want to ease your way in for best results, which means coming to the table with a plan for what to say and how to say it, while also keeping your expectations flexible.
Tip: Before mapping out your strategy, ask yourself what you want, and why.
Are you interested in giving or receiving anal, or both? Do you desire merely to explore the sensations with your fingers and/or tongue, and let anything more unfold organically? Or do you already know that you want to fuck your partner’s ass or to be pegged?
Setting your goals in advance will help you steer the conversation to where you want it to go.
Why do you want anal play? Is it for sheer sensation, i.e. stimulating the nerve endings in and around your anus, or giving this pleasure to your lover? This experience can be quite delectable, and is a worthy end in itself.
If you have a penis, maybe you want to feel the snug grip of your lover’s asshole as you enter them. Maybe the visuals turn you on: the sight of your penis in your lover’s ass, for instance.
The transgressive nature of anal sex can also be a huge erotic factor. Ass play is considered taboo in many cultures, partly because of the many myths surrounding it (myths we’ll explore in our next post). Doing something so “naughty” can be a real turn-on.
It’s important to know and understand your desires before bringing up anal play with your lover, so that you can answer their questions thoughtfully and sensitively. If you’re confident in yourself, you could inspire your partner’s trust in you, which will increase the chances of a positive outcome, no matter what ultimately happens.
Step two: Choose the right time and place.
While you and your lover are naked and getting it on is probably not the best time to probe the topic. If you already know your partner is open and adventuresome, maybe it’s OK to bring it up during sex. Ultimately, it’s your call as to the “how” and “when” of introducing anal into your sex life.
But in my view, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Why not feel them out in advance, and find out how open they are? Having your talk doesn’t necessarily need to be a big production: you can casually bring it up as the two of you are sitting on the couch scrolling on your phones, for example.
Use your judgment. You probably don’t want to bring up any sexually sensitive topics during a time of stress, or even right after work. First thing in the morning, before work, may also not be the most opportune moment.
We suggest finding a time when you’re both relaxed, like when giving each other massages. Or set up the scene: run a bubble bath and invite your partner to join you, or prepare a candlelight dinner and talk about your anal-play desires during dessert.
Step three: Keep it positive and light.
Now that you’ve prepared yourself and your partner for “the talk,” it’s important to present your case in a loving, sensitive, and non-judgmental way – exactly the way you want them to receive it.
Introduce the subject carefully, maybe circling around it with questions or an anecdote. If you feel a bit nervous, feel free to say so. Saying, “I feel a bit vulnerable talking about this, but I feel safe with you” – if this is true – can create a bond of trust between you, and encourage your partner to appreciate your position.
“I saw something intriguing on social media the other day,” is a great starter – non-threatening to your partner, who also views social media. We recommend steering clear of the “I saw this on porn” approach unless you absolutely know they won’t mind or have porn integrated as a part of your relationship currently. Some people resent their lover’s watching porn without them (or at all), which can bring up their own insecurities around sexual exploration. However, Sunny and I do believe that watching ethical porn together can be a really safe way to explore fantasies and learn new things together, you can watch ours here.
Other starters might be: mentioning a book about anal play that you saw or someone recommended to you, or talking about an instructional video or website that you heard about (such as this one!).
Carnal Calibration can be a great way to jump-start the convo. Have you tried it? It’s a free quiz that you and your partner take in tandem to uncover both your sexual fantasies and desires, and show where you match. Even if your partner’s results don’t reveal an interest in anal play, you can point out your positive score and ask if they might be open to exploring it with you.
The worst that could happen is that they say, “no.” As we’ll see below, however, that’s not necessarily bad.
Step four: Listen, listen, listen – and wait.
Keep in mind that, although you’ve been thinking about anal play before broaching the topic, it may have been the farthest matter from your partner’s mind until you bring it up. Proceed with caution!
In your initial talk, you want to stoke their curiosity. Hopefully, you’ll gain their consent – but don’t expect to have it right away.
Go slowly and gently, leaving lots of space for their questions and concerns. Ideally, you’ll have done some research beforehand, but if you don’t know the answer to something, why not look it up together? Doing so can create a fun mindset for you both, establishing you as co-adventurers in the anal quest.
Stay in tune with your partner by giving them lots of space to share and think aloud. Listen and mirror their words back to them to make sure you’re really understanding what they’re saying, and to let them know that you hear them. Hold their hand and give them hugs, and smile into their eyes to show them that you are in this together.
If they ask for time to think about it, readily agree. Ask if they’d like to set a time and date to circle back. If they don’t want to, then make a mental note to check in with them at a later, also opportune, time and place. Otherwise, your desires may get swept aside by life or by your partner’s reluctance to say, “no.” As a result, you may wind up feeling neglected or resentful, neither of which is good for either of you.
Let “no” be “no.”
Above all, don’t pressure your partner or try to convince them to “just try it.” Your goal is to clearly and calmly express why you have an interest and possibly inspire curiosity from your partner but as with any kink practice, consent is imperative, and convincing is not consent.
Let them absorb the fact that you want anal play, your reasons for that, and the factual information you’ve presented. Expect that, at the end of your talk, nothing will happen except that the two of you will be more intimate by virtue of sharing your desires and fears and that you’ll follow up with another anal-play discussion.
And if they say “absolutely not”? Keep smiling! You can still have what you want. Anal play doesn’t necessarily take two. You can give yourself the pleasure you desire with your own fingers or a variety of toys, which we’ll also explore later in this series. Stay tuned!
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